Famous last words/Epitaphs


Ive always been fascinated by the stuff written on tombstones, particularly the funny ones:

From Tombstone, AZ:

Here lies Lester Moore.

Four slugs

From a forty-four.

No Les

No More

**********

Here lays Butch.

We planted him raw.

He was quick on the trigger

But slow on the draw.

*********

Colorado:

Bill Blake

Was hanged by mistake.

***********

Unknown

He called

Bill Smith

A Liar

*************

Across the pond:

Larne, Ireland – On a hanged sheep stealer

Here lies the body of

Thomas Kemp.

Who lived by wool

and died by hemp.

Bletchley, Bucks, England

Winterborn Steepleton Cemetery, Dorsetshire, England

Here lies the body

Of Margaret Bent

She kicked up her heels

And away she went.

*************

Food Related funnies:

Here lies old Rastus Sominy

Died a-eating hominy

In 1859 anno domini

Savannah, Georgia

He got a fish-bone in his throat

and then he sang an angel note.

Schenectady, New York

She was not smart, she was not fair,

But hearts with grief for her are swellin’;

All empty stands her little chair:

She died of eatin’ water-mellon.

In a New Jersey cemetery

Rebecca Freeland

1741

She drank good ale,

good punch and wine

And lived to the age of 99.

Beneath this stone, a lump of clay,

Lies stingy Jimmy Wyatt.

Who died one morning just at ten

And saved a dinner by it.

Falkirk, England

1690

Here lie the bones of Joseph Jones

Who ate while he was able.

But once overfed, he dropt down dead

And fell beneath the table.

When from the tomb, to meet his doom,

He arises amidst sinners.

Since he must dwell in heaven or hell,

Take him – whichever gives the best dinners.

Here lies Johnny Cole.

Who died upon my soul

After eating a plentiful dinner.

While chewing his crust

He was turned into dust

With his crimes undigested – poor sinner.

In memory of Anna Hopewell

Here lies the body of our Anna

Done to death by a banana

It wasn’t the fruit that laid her low

But the skin of the thing that made her go.

Enosburg Falls, Vermont

Here lies cut down like unripe fruit,

The wife of Deacon Amos Shute:

She died of drinking too much coffee,

Anny Dominy — eighteen-forty.

Roxbury, Connecticut

Eliza, Sorrowing

Rears This Marble Slab

To Her Dear John

Who Died of Eating Crab.

****************

Various professionals:

On a Coal-miner

Gone Underground For Good

On an Architect:

Here lies Robert Trollope

Who made yon stones roll up.

When death took his soul up

His body filled this hole up.

On a lawyer in England:

Sir John Strange.

Here lies an honest lawyer.

And that is Strange.

On an attorney:

Goembel

John E.

1867-1946

“The defense rests”

On a dentist:

Stranger tread

This ground with gravity.

Dentist Brown

Is filling his last cavity.

Edinburgh, Scotland

On a brewer:

G. Winch, the brewer, lies buried here.

In life he was both hale and stout.

Death brought him to his bitter bier.

Now in heaven he hops about.

On a Painter:

A Finished Artist

On an Auctioneer:

Jedediah Goodwin

Auctioneer

Born 1828

Going!

Going!!

Gone!!!

1876

On a fisherman:

Captain Thomas Coffin

Died 1842, age 50 years.

He’s done a-catching cod

And gone to meet his God.

New Shoreham, Rhode Island

On a waiter:

Here lies the body of

Detlof Swenson.

Waiter.

God finally caught his eye.

April 10, 1902

On an Author:

He Has Written Finis

Some are just funny if you think about them:

Here lies the body

of John Round.

Lost at sea

and never found.

Belturbet, Ireland

*******************

Here lies Barnard Lightfoot

Who was accidentally killed

in the 45th year of his age.

This monument was erected

by his grateful family.

Here lies the body of

Thomas Vernon

The only surviving son of

Admiral Vernon

Plymouth, Mass.

*************

Sacred to the memory of

Major James Brush

Royal Artillery, who was killed

by the accidental discharge of

a pistol by his orderly,

14th April 1831.

Well done, good and faithful servant.

*****************

Old Maids

1787 – Jones – 1855

Here lie the bones of Sophie Jones;

For her death held no terrors.

She was born a maid and died a maid.

No hits, no runs, and no heirs.*

(* errors) Scranton, Pennsylvania

*********************

Ann Mann

Here lies Ann Mann,

Who lived an old maid

But died an old Mann.

December 8, 1767

London, England

******************

Beneath his silent stone is laid

A noisy, antiquated maid,

Who from her cradle talked to death,

And never before was out of breath.

Here lies, returned to clay

Miss Arabella Young,

Who on the eleventh day of May

Began to hold her tongue.

1794-1863

****************

On a spinster postmistress:

Returned–Unopened

In a North Carolina cemetery

*******************

There just wasn’t enough time for these individuals.

Here lies the father of 29.

He would have had more

But he didn’t have time.

Moultrie, Georgia

***********************

Here lies the body of Elred.

At least he will be when he is dead.

But now at this time he’s still alive,

14th August ’65.

Oxford, England. (Elred eventually made it.)

*********************

Owen Moore

Gone away

Owin’ more

Than he could pay.

Battersea, London, England

****************

This Empty Urn is

Sacred to the Memory

of John Revere

Who Died Abroad

in Finistere:

If He Had Lived

He Would Have Been

Buried Here.

*****************

Here lies

Elizabeth,

my wife for 47 years,

and this is the first damn thing

she ever done to oblige me.

Streatham Churchyard, England

Finally, a truly tragic death:

ripsantaclaus9sl

nuffsaidbutton4

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~ by irishgrl on March 9, 2009.

One Response to “Famous last words/Epitaphs”

  1. Happy St. Patrick’s Day!

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